Vol. 1
First inquiry:
Dear Pablo,
I’m currently a senior in high school and this entire college application process has put me through the wringer. After not receiving any early admissions, I feel like my academic future is going nowhere! How can I destress and refocus on living in the moment when everything feels so bleak?
Inquirer,
Yikes! I can’t imagine anything worse. Oh my god. The only thing that can be done now is to live in the moment because your future has fallen apart. To be entirely candid, a sub-ivy-league education is insufficient.
Having said that, I think you’ll be fine if you accept your life of mediocrity fast. I recommend that you get a head start on the sad future that awaits you by chain smoking and taking up bowling as a hobby (and hopefully a skill, soon enough!). Recent studies have shown that one of the best de-stressors out there is nicotine, after all. My advice to you is to accept your sad, bleak fate of mediocrity; there’s nothing left for you.
Second inquiry:
Dear Pablo,
I’m a woman in my mid-30s and I have recently hit a rough patch with my long-term boyfriend. I love this man more than anything and want nothing more than for him to be my husband one day, but recently, our relationship has completely lacked emotional and physical intimacy. What can I do to get back to those affectionate and exciting days of dating that now seem so distant?
Hello,
I really do hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he’s cheating on you. Sorry, inquirer, but men are pigs. No one should have a long-term boyfriend in their mid-30s. Although, you can always travel the ol' pharmaceutical route to put the problems with physical intimacy behind you.
Back to my original point, I just know that your boyfriend will never commit to you. At that old age, someone who hasn’t yet committed has no plans on doing so. Another issue that has to be relevant here is your appearance. A lack of physical attraction and intimacy can only have one root, which is nothing to attract him. My advice to you is to settle down and call it a day, there’s nothing left for you. If you want to be cliche, get a cat or two, but I’m sure a smart woman like you can find a better alternative. The world is your oyster!
Third inquiry:
Dear Pablo,
I’m a man entering old age and I am happily single and living alone far away from any city so you won’t be hearing any family troubles from me. Although I feel no desire to get married or even be in a relationship, I do get lonely often. I’ve always heard about the idea of a dog being “man’s best friend” and I can’t help but wonder if I should test that theory. Do you think I should avoid all the responsibility of a new furry friend or just go for it?
To whom it may concern,
The notion that a dog is a man’s best friend was invented for lonely people that can’t socialize with other humans. Having to get a dog because you’re desolate is the lowest low that one can stoop to. If you’re so forsaken that you want to get a dog to curb the depression that is creeping into your life, what you need to do is leave your house and go make some friends. As an aging man, there are plenty of your type out there who would be willing to befriend you, you just need to make the first move.
The problem here is that I don’t really know where you should go to find them. Personally, I’ve never had a loneliness problem and have always been able to fill my life with fun and friends so I’ve never had to resort to finding an animal or even having to seek someone out to spend time with me. I wish you the best of luck but I don’t know how much I can help with this because I have literally no experience with loneliness, I have always been really well-liked by others and have never ever had any trouble making any friends. Good luck!
Pablo Barrera