¡Ay Dios Mío! Student Bleeds Out After Not Knowing How to Say “Help” in Spanish

A tragic controversy has stormed Collegiate School that has everybody saying “Ay caramba,” the root being Spanish students’ small vocabulary. The word “help,” was tragically left out of one student's vocabulary and for that, he paid the ultimate price. After an astonishingly wide and large paper cut, one Collegiate student was on the ground bleeding out calling for help from his peers and teacher, but the only retort he heard was “digalo en español.” (translation: “say it in spanish.”)

Unfortunately, we couldn’t convince the anonymous teacher to let us interview him in English so we had to send in one of the teacher’s own students. “¡La culpa no es mía!” (translation: “it is not my fault”) says the teacher involved in the incident. “Todos mis estudiantes saben que solo hablamos español en mi clase.” (translation: “all of my students know that we only speak spanish in my class”). 

As controversial as his teaching methods are, we'll be damned if they aren't effective. There are students all over Collegiate terrified to speak English in school. We’ve had reports from various sources saying that students are speaking Spanish in their French class, Latin class, APUSH class, and even in AP chemistry. One chemistry teacher was dumbstruck when repeatedly asked by a student how to say “electrochemistry” in Spanish. Every single student said that the only language they can speak in class is “spanish.” But the real question: where do we draw the line?

“La línea no existe, la fluidez es mucho más importante,” (translation: “the line does not exist, fluency is much more important”) said the teacher. 

For future reference, students, the phrase is “ayudame.” Stay safe, estudiantes.

Pablo Barrera