Faculty Only Banned Rumble-Vator™ Because They Were Jealous They Weren’t Invited

On a Thursday morning in early October, Collegiate students shuffled into the school’s auditorium for the high school’s weekly assembly. Instead of the routine and often monotonous faculty and student announcements, they were met with a lecture from a group of upset administration officials. 

But what had the students done to make these officials so angry?

The subject of their lecture was the Collegiate original extreme sport of Rumble-Vator™. This sport consists of students packing into the elevators making it nearly impossible for anyone to move. As the doors slide closed, the Rumble begins. Participants begin pushing and shoving aimlessly against each other as the elevator shakes, losing students cry out in distress, and chaos takes over.

While the many criticisms of Rumble-Vator™ surround the “pointlessness” and “unnecessary violence” of the sport, these criticisms fail to take into account that those things are the best part. After a long week of late nights fueled by Collegiate’s workload, what’s better than cramming into a small space with your fellow students and just shoving one another for a minute and a half? Absolutely nothing. Addressing the concerns about any injuries that might stem from a Rumble-Vator™ match, a student commented, “The few people who do get hurt are usually freshmen, so it’s chill.”

Considering the beautiful community staple the sport has become, the student body were confused as to why the faculty and administration had decided to bring the hammer down so hard with its banning. Sharing this confusion, we decided to take a closer look.

After questioning multiple members of the faculty and administration, a teacher, who shall remain anonymous, finally cracked. They admitted that the entirety of the motivation behind the Rumble-Vator™ ban was that staff felt left out! They told us multiple stories about faculty meetings where teachers were in extreme distress because no one would invite them to be a part of a classic Rumble. There was even a faculty member who was kicked out of her apartment because she kept trying to start Rumble-Vator™ matches with the other tenants of her building!

This admission surprised us, as we didn’t even know that the teachers wanted to be involved. But now that we do, we’d love to extend an invitation to any faculty or staff who want to join in on the fun!

Willie Nuttall