BREAKING–Punxsutawney Phil Caught Up in College Admissions Scandal

It really is reaching across all parts of our nation, the varsity blues college admissions scandal has wrapped up another of America’s favorites; Punxsutawney Phil lied and cheated hoping to gain admission into the University of Southern California. 

It’s always tragic to hear that one of the worlds’ heroes has fallen from grace, but Punxsutawney Phil is not the groundhog that we all thought he was. Phil, who is a well-known nepo-baby (his dad, Phil senior, starred in the film Groundhog Day and his mom, Phillis, was featured in the film Caddyshack) only gained his position of such high esteem because of his parents who have lots of influence in the groundhog community. Though they are proud of Phil, they both longed for more for their beloved son. Although Phil has countless good qualities, he has never brought home the grades that were necessary to admit him into a great school like USC, so his parents decided that they had to intervene somehow. In comes Rick Singer, the man who proposed an alternative plan for Phil’s admission.

Phil’s parents knew that Singer was the right choice for their son because he proposed an alternate admission process; though skeptical, Phil’s parents photographed their son in holes that they themselves had burrowed and sent them to the burrowing coaches at USC. This, and the $5 million bribe–all of Phillis’s Caddyshack money–got Phil into his dream school.

Unfortunately for these three groundhogs, Phil’s family’s wrongdoings have been exposed and Phil no longer has a place at USC. At press time, Phil told reporters that he regrets his actions, but looks forward to the many years of winter-weather-forecasting in his future. Phil plans to settle down for the six more weeks of winter left and get the most out of his hibernation before the long, hot summer.

Pablo Barrera