Teacher Testimony: I Give Ugly Kids Bad Grades
*CLARIFICATION: The author of this article is a teacher currently working at Collegiate School. In order to ensure complete anonymity, the identity of the teacher is a secret to even the editors of the Fly. Names of students and faculty members that may appear are also changed for the sake of discretion. All of the contents of this article are 100% true.*
Listen, I know how it sounds but you need to hear me out.
I wouldn't ever say that kids with asymmetrical facial features are in any way less intelligent than those with chiseled jawlines and piercing eyes. I don’t even believe that… but they are significantly more difficult to like. I wish it wasn’t true. I wish we lived in a world where one’s appearance had no effect on how others viewed them, where one’s facial features held no precedence over the quality of their heart, but we don’t, and it’s far past time we stopped lying to ourselves.
Put yourself in my shoes…
You’re grading a batch of papers written about some random, mind numbingly boring historical event like the ‘War of 1812’ or ‘Watergate’ (whatever that is…) on a quiet Sunday night. You’ve gone through all the essays up to this point with complete looks-related objectivity. You’ve even given one of the uggos an A-! Then, you arrive at a moral crossroads of sorts. You are presented with two essays, almost identical in content, structure, and style. They are so similar, in fact, that you have to make sure that these two papers are indeed written by two different students. They not only are the works of two different authors, but two incredibly different people to boot. One of the students, George, is an incredibly charming young athlete with a smile so warm it could melt the heart of a statue. The other student, Ringo, is a mouth breathing, animal crackers eating, turtle neck wearing dweeb who constantly interrupts class with his alleged “medically necessary” snot rockets. The firings of said snot rockets are so frequent I was actually pleasantly surprised to find that the essay he turned in wasn’t encrusted in the kid’s mucus.
You’re telling me that I’m not allowed to hold the golden god that is George in a higher esteem than booger boy Ringo? That expectation is completely blasphemous. I’m human, too!
I will continue to teach my classes and grade my students any way I please. I am a professional educator and will not be spoken down to by those who have never walked a mile in my shoes.
Final Grades:
George: A
Ringo: B-
You: TBD
Willie Nuttall