First Thanksgiving Dinner Actually Included Munster Bagels, Not Turkey, Collegiate Kitchen Staff Reports
Every American grows up learning the story of the first Thanksgiving. The classic tale speaks of the natives and the settlers coming together to make peace over a bountiful meal with turkey, corn, and many other foods local to the land. While the general consensus within the historical community maintains that this first Thanksgiving did indeed happen, the specifics of the iconic meal have recently come under scrutiny. A new finding has come to light that has historians saying that it could change the entire culinary aspect of the holiday. The Collegiate Fly is excited to be the first to announce that this finding has come out of our own school community!
Who was it within Collegiate that had the scholarly resources and expertise necessary in order to conduct such in-depth, envelope pushing historical research? Was it one of the History professors? Maybe a former student making us proud? Nope! it was actually the Collegiate cafeteria staff. The groundbreaking study was released by the wonderful men and women who greet students with a delicious lunch every weekday. But what exactly did this study propose that brought it so much attention? The lengthy paper completely rejects the idea that turkey, the food inseparably associated with the holiday, was ever even present at the First Thanksgiving! Furthermore, it even puts forward findings that strongly suggest a historically ignored alternative to turkey was not only present, but prominent at that same meal. This alternative? Munster bagels: the classic Collegiate snack consisting of a toasted bagel covered in melted munster cheese.
At first, historians were extremely skeptical towards the contents of the study. Some of the main questions surrounded the confusion as to how people in the early 1600s would even know what munster cheese or bagels were, and how they could possibly have had access to a stove or microwave. Outraged, scholars demanded that the kitchen staff release the evidence which brought them to such an outrageous conclusion. In response, the staff released a brief statement saying, “We used websites, books, and other stuff.” This clarification immediately cleared up all doubt and confusion pertaining to the authenticity of the study’s findings and even elicited a prompt apology from the historical community. “If we’d known they used websites, we wouldn’t have even asked,” said one apologetic scholar.
The question still remains: what should Americans do with this new information? Should we really just abandon turkey on Thanksgiving all together? The kitchen staff sure thinks so. The conclusion of their generational study includes their full answer to this question, “In our expert opinion, all Americans who want to authentically celebrate Thanksgiving should come to Collegiate’s cafeteria and try one of our famous munster bagels for themselves, now only $3.99!”
The Fly knows that we’ll be there on Thursday ready to dig in, and you should too.
Happy Thanksgiving, Dutch.
Willie Nuttall