Vineyard Vines Solves Financial Troubles With Ban of One Collegiate Student
This Monday Vineyard Vines announced that, for their ninth straight quarter, their stock has dropped. Vineyard Vines LLC has had major supply chain issues since 2020, and the company is using shareholders’ money to plug the holes in production. The troubled retailer has been grappling with strained relationships with suppliers, as their demands for products cannot be met. A company wide corruption investigation was launched and the cause was not embezzlement, not production line inefficiencies, but a Collegiate student by the name of Riley Schwimmer that was wreaking havoc on the system.
Ian Murray, the co-Chief Executive Officer, held a press conference over the weekend: “Our investigation has concluded, and it seems that our production issues have stemmed from the incredible habits of one consumer.”
It may seem impossible, but since gaining access to the internet in November of 2020, Schwimmer, a 17 year old student from New York City has accounted for a ludicrous 42% of total sales. An addiction to looking “preppy” began during the pandemic and he has not been able to recover. Since getting a summer job in 2022, Riley Schwimmer has had more money than ever which he used to purchase almost half of the Vineyard Vines available inventory. Ian Murray stated during his press conference that “we will try our best to use this capital to expand our production line so nothing like this will ever happen again. Since discovering who the culprit was, we have delivered him a lifetime ban from our website and will be arrested for trespassing should he enter any of our 120 physical stores.”
Two close friends of Riley’s stepped forward to deliver statements:
One claimed that they “have never seen him in anything other than Vineyard Vines. He comes to school dressed head to toe in it and even goes running in canvas shorts.” The other expressed their concern over his road to recovery: “We were all worried about him and we hope that getting publicly caught will help him get better and begin to dress more comfortably.”
Riley Schwimmer’s family has been devastated by the sheer amount of clothes they have in their house and his parents blame themselves for enabling his addiction: “We kept bringing him to Cape Cod to get him out of the clutter and clear his head, but instead it only seemed to worsen his obsession. All we can do now is thank God that our country club was closed for Covid.” Let this be a message not only to companies, but for consumers as well; check yourself and your buying habits before you become a Riley Schwimmer.
Luke Owens