Naughty List? Santa Claus Announces Plans to Fly Over Collegiate
Collegiate has no chimney and Santa doesn’t seem to mind.
The King of Christmas, best known as Santa Claus, announced on Monday that he plans to skip Collegiate School in his annual gift giving rounds. The North Pole Post reports that this decision was made after a long, hard look into the behavior of the school’s student body and faculty. They came to the conclusion that the entirety of the Collegiate community should be placed on the infamous ‘naughty list.’ When questioned as to whether or not they would receive anything at all, Kris Kringle responded with the harsh remark: “they wouldn’t be worth the coal.” This announcement sent the school into an outrage, as students and faculty alike were confused as to what they had done in order to deserve such harsh treatment. In response to the outrage, Santa’s PR team responded with a long, detailed list of all the ways Collegiate had screwed up this year. The complete list included over 1000 entries, including the administration’s spare ties being “too ugly,” and “the entirety of the Sophomore class.”
Apparently, Santa wasn’t the only one rooting against the Dutch this Christmas, as there were talks of the elves going on strike if forced to make presents for any Collegiate students. In past years, the reindeers had also begun to conveniently complain of ‘sprained hooves’ whenever the sleigh headed toward the Upper West Side. After Santa’s response, Christmas spirit at the school was at an all time low. The administration even attempted to raise morale by throwing a Collegiate holiday party of their own with different teachers dressed as Santa, but this last ditch effort backfired after the school’s Santas began handing back students their low exam scores.
Overall, this Collegiate Christmas was anything but merry, and being placed on the naughty list is a truly horrible look for the school. There is unanimous agreement that immediate diplomatic action needs to take place to begin to repair Collegiate’s relationship with the Claus family and the entire North Pole in order to ensure that future holiday seasons aren’t so bleak. Observing all of this misery, Santa took pity and offered what may be a silver lining for many down Dutchmen, “If it’s any consolation, Browning wasn’t even considered.”
Merry Christmas Friday, Dutch
Willie Nuttall