FLY LIST: 9 Reasons You’ll Never Be Better Than Your Older Brother

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and you’ve been eaten. You’re stuck in your older brother’s shadow, and here are 9 reasons you’ll never get out.

1. He wears a bigger shoe size

He fits perfectly into his cool high tops, and the only shoes that you fit into are the oversized clown shoes that you found in the garage. You’re such a disappointment. 

2. You wear glasses and he does not

NERD! Only nerds wear glasses, if you were cool you would just accept your inability to see. He always takes your glasses and throws them on the ground and you have to feel around for them, it’s mortifying! Then, he steps on them and you have to tape them back together and wear them to school. It’s the worst. 

3. He knows the difference between who and whom

Is this even possible? Is there a difference? Whom even knows! You just can’t stand it when he corrects your grammar. This may be the biggest academic feat that anyone can accomplish, you don’t even stand a chance. It’s a good party trick, too.

4. He eats his veggies

This has always been a problem for you. You know it’s childish, but you refuse to eat your veggies. Even though it may seem impossible, he claims to genuinely enjoy the taste of kale. How is that so? You’re so jealous that he can effortlessly eat and enjoy so many greens on his plate without feeling like he is eating foliage.

5. Your parents definitely like him more than you

They don’t even try to hide it anymore. It’s just not fair. Your parents like him so much more than you because you’re basically the black sheep of the family. Compared to the golden boy, you’re nothing but gross, rusty copper. 

6. He’s a star athlete, you just write dumb comedy articles

He’s cool, hot, and unbothered. You’re awkward, fugly, and anxious. He can throw a perfect spiral and you can make the occasional witty retort. He’s dating a cheerleader and you’re dating your childhood teddy bear in a brunette wig, and even she’s been seeming distant recently.

7. You’ll never amount to anything

Why even try anymore. Just give up. I’m serious. The best case scenario for you is that he gives you a pity invite to his wedding. God, James’ bachelor party would be so rad…

8. Worthless, worthless, worthless

AAAARRRHGHGHGHHGHDHHHHGSDLGHGHGHWHAH.

9. He is taller than you

UGH! Since he’s taller than you, you physically can’t amount to him. He takes every chance to rub it in your face and look down at you. I just hate it.

Pablo Barrera & Willie Nuttall