Nation’s Cool Guys Confirm They Saw You Sitting Alone the Other Day
This is the kind of news that nobody wants to have to deliver. Unfortunately, those cool guys that were sitting over there at the other table the other day spotted you sitting alone and eating lunch. They noticed you, they laughed, and they even took pictures of you.
In all fairness, it is pretty loser-y to be sitting alone at lunch. Alone? Seriously? You can’t gin up one other person to keep you company? Those guys would never be caught sitting alone. Especially at a table in the cafeteria that was so close to the cool table to boot.
Eye witness teacher, Sandra Davis, confirmed she overheard said cool guys discussing your lack of companions, friends, and fellow lunch-eaters. “Honestly, I think he kind of deserved it,” Ms. Davis told me. She got distracted thinking about you sitting alone and then started chuckling. “Ah, what a dork.” She then left the room laughing to herself.
I keep hearing from more cool guys all across the nation saying they heard about that “loser sitting alone a few days ago.” Andrew Smith, a classic cool guy living in Bloomington, Indiana, wants you to know that they’re thinking about you and “won’t forget this anytime soon.”
Another cool dude, Jordan Bellworth, showed me his texts with other cool guys around the country in their exclusive group chat that they wouldn’t add me to. It’s been said that they also spotted a book in your lap. Speculations were tossed around about what exactly it was you were reading, some suggested Dune while others thought it may be the instruction manual for the Dungeons and Dragons board game, but the most damaging suggestion was The Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
“Of course that nerd was reading! I should throw a party and not invite him,” said Mr. Bellworth when asked to give a quote for this article.
Although, understandably, this all may seem like a lot for you to handle, some chimed in with support, notably one ‘popular loner’ who said he “completely understands the desire to sit alone sometimes,” empathizing strongly with your predicament.
Based on these testimonies, you’re on thin ice, socially. Don’t be seen alone for a while or these will just pile up. Tread lightly, you’re only one lonely day away from being the nation’s least favorite outcast.
Pablo Barrera