Tooth Fairy Becomes a Goth
Reports have surfaced this past afternoon from children all over the country claiming that the Tooth Fairy has become a Goth.
It seems as though the pressure to spread cheer and joy to children all over the globe has finally caught up with our lovely fairy. How can we expect one magical woman to excite kids about the prospect of not being able to bite into an apple, never chewing steak to completion, and having a janky smile for years?
We’ve received reports from confused children and angry parents saying that she has left existential notes under their childrens’ pillows and smears of black eyeshadow all over white sheets.
Little Tommy from Minneapolis, Minnesota sent in a message claiming that the fairy left a note under his pillow saying “what is even the point, Tommy? I don’t want your teeth, either. I have enough front teeth as is, I don’t need to build another wing in my castle made of teeth.”
Tommy’s mother says that they’re all very confused but she is planning on sending a strongly worded note to the fairy in response. “Next time, you need to get a therapist and leave a Benjamin under my little boy’s pillow, lady!”
“I also found a pair of black tights crumpled up underneath the pillow,” Tommy’s mother told us. “Luckily I was able to retrieve them before Tommy woke up and asked me where they came from, I just don’t know what to do next time he loses a tooth and I have to scour his bedroom for a pair of tall black boots or a corset!”
Another report has come in from Sue from Santa Fe, New Mexico, whose note only said: “Why? Why? Why???”
Poor little Sue was left shaken and in tears from this message and told reporters that she plans on holding onto all of her teeth as long as she can to give the fairy time to work through some of her issues. Sue’s mother also reported that after three rounds in the washing machine, the black eyeliner and eyeshadow left on Sue’s pillow is finally starting to wear off.
At a press conference last week, the Tooth Fairy was wearing a choker adorned with spikes and let out a long sigh when asked whether she plans on continuing to collect childrens’ teeth in the near future. She did admit, however, that her new lifestyle change was largely influenced by Germany’s Tooth Fairy, who took her out in Berlin, got her into Berghain, and introduced her to the techno Goth culture which has taken over her life and wardrobe.
Pablo Barrera